Log in

Notes from high school 2

Wednesday 7 February 2007

I'm in the library right now and I was reading the APEH homework for tonight and I suddenly got the urge to write you a note expressing my happiness with the world. There are so many reasons to be happy with the world right now and as a society we rarely actually appreciate what a joy it is to be alive and living in the moment we are living in. In all likelihood, once we get to Heaven, we will look back and wonder just what was so great about living. But the more I think about it, I don't really believe in Heaven in the traditional sense of the word. I believe that souls are eternal and yes, there is some outer world where all the souls will gather and God will be there (but I am growing increasingly dissatisfied with the traditional view of God as I write this), but this other world is only a stopping place before returning to the other worlds of a material body to spend another lifetime. I seem to have two views of the eternal, one more traditional and one more unique (I guess, the unique is only unique in that it is my own synthesis of varying beliefs around me and my pretends). Right now, I am feeling more towards the unique. This will change and go back and forth between my two sides––my twins of Gemini. I guess I would say that I'm feeling less like Luci and more like her twin Lidia, but that is dividing them into separate people with different, opposite attributes, wants, desires, ideas, ways of thinking, etc. They are most certainly not. They are both me. I am both of them. We are one. They are different, but there is no way to separate one from the other. Without Lidia, Luci is not Luci. Without Luci, Lidia is not Lidia. Without either of them, I am nothing but an empty shell of flesh and bones. It is only together that they are whole, souls bound together in one being. I feel such a sense of lightness and of being here. I am feeling what it means to be alive. My foot has fallen asleep and I cannot help but rejoice that I am able to feel that pain, even as I change positions so as to lessen it. I'm thinking about your Chrysalis experience and other things I've read about and this feels very different. I do not feel one with all of the people around me, they do not exist. They are simply a part of the landscape around me. I am in my own little world of me, myself, and I; sitting here with Luci and Lidia, listening to them as they direct my fingers across the page. There are so many different me's that make up the whole––so many different lives that compile me. What is this me that I speak of? Is it the physical me with many different souls of varying degrees of influence? Is it the many different lives, past and present, real and created, that go into shaping my soul? I lean toward the latter, but I don't know. I am Luci, but who is Luci? And who would she be without Lidia and all of those other little internal influences upon me? Luci is but one. I am nothing except a synthesis of them all, I am nothing but a compilation.
The preacher at the First Baptist Church did have one thing right––we do need to find happiness in the simple things more often––not just gratitude, but happiness. I have taught myself how to be grateful for all of the simple things, but finding happiness in them is something I have rarely experienced outside of today. Gratitude is the first step on the road to happiness.


Notes from high school

I wish I had had these in front of me throughout college.

"I want a guy who lives in a big city who has my heart and who's heart I have, who has his life and then I want to be free. I want to travel and learn languages and help people and I want to stay and leave as I please, but always be faithful to him. I am a free spirit and I can't be tied down in one place for too long. I can't have someone who depends on me. Thank you, Will."

"Mis Planes para el Futuro
"Mi nombre as Luci. En diez años, yo viviré an las montañas de Norte Carolina con mis perros. Seré escritora. Escribiré canciones y cuentos. Tambien, trabajaré en Europa con la genética. Por eso, viajaré a Europa muchas veces por año. Tendré un salario muy bueno. No me habré casado todavía. Seré bilingüe y traduciré mis cuentos. Estudiaré mucho cuando no esté trabajando. No querré ser famosa. Pero ganaré mucho dinero. Con esto dinero, daré hospitalidad a todo el que lo necesite. Visitaré a mi familia todos los veranos. Estaré alegre. Estos son mis planes para el futuro. El Fin."

"I want someone. I want comfort and I want someone to count on and who will pay attention to me. I want a light touch. So why wasn't I happy? I don't get it. I want to know why having a boyfriend makes me not happy. Do I feel trapped?"

"An image––a mandala sand-painting thing. Circular. Making it oneself, you start at the outside and work your way in, surrounding yourself with this beautiful sand creation. (the womb) You continue until everything is covered except for the small circle in the middle where you stand. The only way to get out is to disturb the mandala you have just made, worked on for so long."
"It's like you build up all of these protections for yourself, but then the only way to live (and not be trapped) is to destroy it.
"We can't live in that protection, that womb. We must destroy it to come out. 

"I want to speak and write in Spanish. I want to be in love and I want him to die after me. I want to be happy and have a job that I enjoy. I want to have a family, but of children or friends, I don't know. I want to dance and I want to have a man to dance with. I want to be content and happy and if I want more than I have, I want to find somewhere in the middle. I want to feel pretty and attractive. I want to be hit on."

I think I now hate my job

So I work at the IT Help Desk at my college. I help people fix their computers, I fix printers, I generally don't actually do much because people don't always have computer issues (hence why I am on LiveJournal) but I'm there in case people do need help. There are normally two or three of us and a supervisor working out in the main help desk, and then our boss and the friendly neighborhood salaried IT guy working just through a door across a glass window. I love the people who I work with and the environment has always been really happy and friendly.

Or it was. Our supervisor just had a baby, the most adorable thing ever, her second, and is out on maternity leave until December (when I will have graduated and so no longer work here). They have temporarily replaced her with Michael, and I have come to realize that not only do I not respect him but I actually might despise him.

First of all, he's rather incompetent. He gave us an assignment "that would probably take all week" to cross-check all of the 500 phone numbers in a Google Document with the actual phone numbers in our system. In four hours, I had done 300. Two hours after that, he had still only done 80. Then, there's the fact that although we are allowed to do non-work-related things while not busy (such as Facebook, LiveJournal, etc., at the supervisor's discretion), we are not allowed to play flash games. Michael does nothing but sit around and play flash games. Basically every annoying Facebook game that you can possibly be addicted to, he is, and spends every free moment playing them. He also tends to tell you things that you already know in the most condescending way and acts as though you don't know anything so he has to know about everything. He hovers and watches what you're doing as though making sure you're doing it right and offers advice on things he knows absolutely nothing about (often things that you already know won't work because you have already talked to the customer or tried).

What originally started me off on this was that I was reading something funny online, I don't even remember what it was, but one or several funny things at which I was laughing. Every single time I laughed he made some smart-ass comment that was also occasionally demeaning. This was three weeks ago---there are six more until the end of the semester.


Things I Need to Do Over Fall Break

(So that I won't forget them when I go home from work this evening)
  • Make sure Felicity gets to the vet.
  • Submit Healer App @HogwartsisHome
  • Reserve space at NDPC for the wedding Can't do this until 2011
  • Find an apartment to live in next semester OMG, it's perfect!
  • Personally visit stores to hand in resume/try to find a job
  • VOTE
  • Talk to parents about buying a car/buy a car It's a 2010 silver Honda Fit!
  • Go by Alfred Angelo Signature store to try on Belle wedding dress for ideas for Belle costume at next Dragon*Con
  • Doctor's appointment
  • New glasses?
  • Find more sources/read sources already in my possession for senior thesis (look through WorldCat) Too many sources!!!
  • Finish my Statement of Purpose for grad school Or decide not to go to grad school...
  • Relax?
I also just recently discovered what has to be my favorite picture ever:

And a related awesome picture:

Mid-[Semester] Crisis

So yeah, every year since I got to college at some point during the semester (or maybe several times), I've had a sort of mid-life crisis thing where I realize that I hate what I'm doing, and you know what? I don't actually have to do it anymore. And so then I spend a few days agonizing over whether I want to actually change what I am doing and if so, how. Well, that's happening again right now.

Right now my whole life seems really shitty. Right before school started I went through a rather traumatic event that not only affected my own psyche but also seriously damaged my relationship with my fiancé (not irrevocably, though). Last semester, my roommate and I went from best friends to worst enemies, and now she is living in my apartment again, and her boyfriend's father passed away last weekend. Her boyfriend is not only a very close friend of mine, but my mother passed away when I was young, and so I am having a really difficult time dealing with my life in general. My crappy, all-over-the-place emotional state is making it hard for me to keep up in school (and I am a straight-A perfectionist, so that is adding even more so to my feelings of unhappiness). 

I've wanted to be a writer since I was able to read and write, and I've been spending the last two months preparing to apply to grad schools to get an MFA (Master of Fine Arts) in Creative Writing, but I just showed my Statement of Purpose (kind of an "about me" statement) that I thought was almost done to a different teacher than the one that I had been working with and she told me that I needed to completely start over. What got to me wasn't that she told me to start over, but why she told me to start over––all of the things she told me to change were the things that make me me, and so basically what she was saying was that MFA programs don't actually want people who write like me and that if I am honest, I will never get accepted anywhere.

So now I am questioning whether I even want to go to grad school, and if I don't want to go to grad school, then there is no point in me taking half of the classes that I am currently taking that are stressing me out to the point that I'm not really enjoying taking the classes even (and I love my classes and rarely have a class that I actually don't like because I really enjoy learning). So if I don't want to go to grad school, then what's the point of even taking all of these classes (which I don't really need to take otherwise) or spending about $500 applying to grad schools?

I also really want to get a job and just start my life, but I don't have much job history and so I doubt my abilities to get a job very immediately.

The only thing that I know absolutely for certain is that I want to marry my fiancé, eventually have children with him, and write but have another job on the side that actually pays me money.


This is from Season 5, Episode 23:

This is from my kitchen:

This would be so much more awesome if they weren't just cheap cups from Target.




My dad had a mixtape with this song on it that he listened to in the car sometimes, and I ran across it and then realized there was a music video..... WTF....


Writer's Block: A show for all seasons

Which returning TV show are you most excited to see again? Which shows from last season are you going to miss? Are there any new shows that look promising?

My fiancé and I are rushing through the fifth season of How I Met Your Mother so that we can actually watch the show when the new season starts up!! Also, SVU, SVU, SVU.


We had the most AWESOME ROOMMATE EVER this summer and I absolutely loved her. She was going through a rough time, but she was clean, she was friendly, we would all hang out in the living room every evening and just watch TV and talk. We liked the same TV shows, she didn't mind buying milk when it was her turn. It was lovely.

Now she has gone abroad for the next four months and our new roommates (who I lived with two years ago) are just horrible. I don't know if it's partly because living with Kat was so wonderful, but I cannot stand it now. It's gone from coming home to an excited, bubbly dog who waits at the door and can't help but jump and be excited just because you're home and because it's you at the door to surly glances and no speaking. We tried to get us all to watch TV together by introducing them to How I Met Your Mother, but now they just hog the TV and watch that show over and over. Maybe partly because they haven't gotten around to finding furniture for their room, they spend ALL of their time in the living room, meaning that we practically can't use it. We also have good reason to suspect that they've had sex on our couch (which, you know, belongs to my fiancé and will continue to be his/ours long after they've moved out). They refuse to help out with small expenses around the house, and rarely do anything remotely like cleaning, leaving dirty dishes and clothing and other shit of theirs all over the place.

Specifically, what has brought on my current rant, is that about a week ago, one of them (I don't know who) was eating spaghetti and spilled spaghetti sauce all over the chair and carpet. They made a half-hearted attempt to to clean the floor, but didn't actually do anything more than spray Resolve on it and walk away. I assumed, by seeing the Resolve bottle and smelling it everywhere, that they were taking care of it. But today I realised that that was a very naive assumption on my part and I am now cleaning the floor and the chair. The chair is also my fiancé's - the kind of chair that's been in your room your whole life and is almost like a stuffed animal in the sentimental value it holds for you. The deposit is our money, so if it doesn't get cleaned, we pay for it.

We keep saying that we need to sit down as an apartment and have a discussion about all of this, but somehow they just keep wiggling out of it, and considering that finding a time when all four of us are free is a miracle in the first place, every day that passes makes me a little bit more resentful and a little bit less hopeful that that conversation will ever actually happen.

Addendum: Also, while he is not entirely blameless, he is certainly less bitchy than she is. He will at least say hello back to me when I say hi and sort of cares about respecting other people. (Although he – I assume he – did leave a condom just sitting around for us to accidentally come across and the screech a lot when we realized what we'd just touched.) She, on the other hand, either maintains a stony silence or leaves the room whenever I am around. Bitch.

I realize that the reason we stopped being best buds is my own fault. I kind of accidentally betrayed her friendship once. However, she could at least try to remain civil. She also could have found another place to live if it really bothers her this much. Given what I know of her personality, she's just being petty and passive aggressive. Can you really hold onto a grudge for that long?


Writer's Block: And The Winner Is…

Ke$ha, Eminem, Lady Gaga, Usher, Beyonce, Justin Bieber … who do you most want to win an MTV Video Music Award this year?

Eminem, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha. In that order. Other than the people you listed, I have no idea who is even in the running.